The Miscalculations of River Tam
by Lady Cailin
Summary: River miscalculates.
1. Chapter 1

The Miscalculations of River Tam by Lady Cailin

Chapter Title: Little Girl's Dream

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Disclaimer: Serenity, Firefly and related materials are copyright Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and subsequent companies. This Fan Fiction was not produced, and is not intended to be reproduced, for profit. No infringement of said copyrights is intended by the author.

Summary: River miscalculates. PG

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Pain, large and sharp like claws and teeth to rip at her. Was it real? Was it now? Or just a remembrance, a phantom limb that lifts the knife somehow? It was so hard to tell, so hard to know. Something tells her it is only a memory, nerve endings firing in response to the dreams of her life before Serenity. But in the night, in the dark, it comes at her from all sides and tries to rip the girl from the weapon. Then the dreams are real, and now, now is only a dream, an illusion she played at to keep the pain away.

Usually it is Simon who fights away the pain. So close, just in the next room. Sooner or later his familiar thoughts seep into the girl, and then one by one, the crew of Serenity joins him. Young girls, experienced women, wounded warriors. One by one their noise fills her up and the dreams are left without room to breath. Then the dreams fade, and Serenity becomes her truth.

She has trained herself to search them out when the dreams come and steal the truth from her. She wraps around their minds instinctively upon waking. Like an anchor in the storm, they are the source of her shelter from the dreams and remembered pain.

But tonight is different.

Tonight the boat lies cold and empty. She cannot feel Simon, and though she reaches, the others are not found. The pain continues, when before it had always ended quickly. Blue hands crawling over her mind, pulling at the girl, cutting her out like a tumor. Simon is not here, and she wonders if she made him up as she did so many things in those days on cold tables. The longer she lay there, the pain clawing at her head, the less sure she is that it wasn't all a make-believe. The longer she reaches, and the longer she finds emptiness, the greater her fear. Serenity, Simon, this life must be real.

The girl cannot survive unless this life is real. She will die, eaten up by needles and numbers that burn her insides away.

Soon she is reaching with all her power, begging the world around her to give up one thought, one voice to make the nightmares end. There is only one voice in the world of the blue hands, and it is screaming. She suspects it is her own voice. She can distantly feel tears on her cheeks.

Just when life was ending, and the girl fading once more into what they had made her, she feels it.

Life. Thoughts, distant and hard, but there.

"_What the gorram hell is that screechin'?"_

The growl of the Bear. He is of Serenity, his thoughts will make things real. She latches on, throws herself around his mind with a fierceness and intensity that is dangerous. But this is calculated too late, and in the brief moment before they both loose consciousness, she hopes she has not carried out her threat.

She hopes she has not killed him with her brain.

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	2. Chapter 2

The Miscalculations of River Tam by Lady Cailin

Chapter Title: Consequences

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Disclaimer: Serenity, Firefly and related materials are copyright Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and subsequent companies. This Fan Fiction was not produced, and is not intended to be reproduced, for profit. No infringement of said copyrights is intended by the author.

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Twelve hours, twenty-six minutes, sixteen seconds.

Seventeen seconds.

Eighteen seconds.

She counts the seconds as Jayne counts his reps, the cool iron of the bar warming beneath his hands as his heart sped up. She can feel it beating there, across the room. Warm blood flowing through his veins. Their veins. Her veins. It was hard to know now, hard to tell which was which. She felt too much.

Her boundaries had always been undefined, erratic as the flow of water across the river banks. Chaos theory. Water flows slowly and the container never fills enough to overcome the friction. But if the steam is faster, the wheel turns. Too fast and the wheel reverses directions. There needed to be a balance. . .

It had been hard to know where the girl ended and others began when their thoughts drifted over her mind like cherry blossoms in the spring.

Simon missed the cherry blossoms on Osiris, wished he could show them to Kaylee. Wished they could all be back there, dancing under the falling petals as they had before she was sent away. She knew this distantly, a thought from Simon. Simon, who was separate. Kaylee, who was separate.

Jayne's arms rose again, his blood tingling its way to his lungs, starved for the oxygen that would take away the burn in his muscles. River breathed deeply, trying to help.

Jayne, who was no longer separate.

Twelve hours, twenty-nine minutes, fifty-seven seconds. The time since she discovered the ramifications of her actions in the darkness. Action, reaction. She had reacted poorly. Here she would not be punished for the miscalculation.

Here no one knew.

Jayne's muscles began to burn more intensely, but he kept his lifting slow, steady. _Body could hurt himself lifting too fast, and a man in his position couldn't afford ta have an arm in a sling._

His lesson, learned years ago and hidden deep beneath the surface, almost as deep as his memories of home. He had nearly starved on a small dirt moon, unable to find work as a merc with a busted arm. He shied away from that memory in his thoughts, didn't like remembering the feeling of weakness. He hid it, even from himself. She wasn't supposed to be able to see that deep.

Jayne was feeling restless, not himself. Something was wrong with him. He'd tried working out, cleaning his guns, anything to get the itch out the back of his mind. He'd go whoring next, an attempt at oblivion as awareness began to creep in on him. He thought it was Canton, and Ariel, the conscience he had long denied. The air-lock realization that he cared what people on this boat thought of him. He thought he could silence it as he always had, with guns and liquor and whoring. He wanted to keep the river slow. Didn't like his wheels to turn, his heart to beat for things beyond himself. Jayne didn't like petals, dancing in patterns of chaos. He liked the order of a bullet, shooting straight and true and right where he aimed it.

She opened her eyes, unsure when she had closed them. She had been seeing through his eyes, his body, his thoughts. She had been too close again. Always too close, since she had miscalculated the outcome of events.

Twelve hours, thirty-nine minutes, seven seconds.

The river was moving faster. Her mind was becoming less focused as Jayne's thoughts crept in and others crept out. He kept out the others on Serenity, but not the ones outside. The ones that rip and eat, hunger and hate that never stopped. Nothing could keep the secrets behind closed doors. They'd taken all the doors off the hinges and the boogie man walked freely.

Her thoughts were becoming more fragmented. There was more time for the memories. Not all of them were her's, and she could no longer hide in the voices of Serenity and keep herself separate from them. Jayne knew he was real, and that made everything real. She thought that knowledge might destroy her.

She thought it might destroy them all.

She was going on a job today. A ride into town to see the thoughts and point the way. Simon's voice was angry at the edge of her mind. He would fight with the captain. He'd risked too much to loose her now.

Cashy money, the captain's thoughts whispered. No Core-bred doctor would tell him what to do on his own boat. He'd bring the Reader, and the doc would just have to deal with it. He had to keep his girl flying. Couldn't be free without a way to fly away.

The captain, who was separate.

Jayne, who was not.

There would be consequences.

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	3. Chapter 3

The Miscalculations of River Tam by Lady Cailin

Chapter Title: Thoughts

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Disclaimer: Serenity, Firefly and related materials are copyright Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and subsequent companies. This Fan Fiction was not produced, and is not intended to be reproduced, for profit. No infringement of said copyrights is intended by the author.

Summary: River miscalculates. PG

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It was over. The signal was flying free, and they couldn't stop it now.

Zoe had burned her white dress. The dress she had married Wash in, the dress she had buried him in. Couldn't stand to see it any more. She buried herself down deep as she cast it into the flames.

Captain had found his faith, found what was right again. He was trying to tell himself the price had been worth it, but the weight of those lost fell on him, joining the faces of men and women from the war. He burned to touch Inara, to touch that part of her that called to the emptiness in him. He was afraid that if he reached out, he'd steal it from her, and then her shadow would follow him too. _Petty thief_, whispered in his brain.

Simon was happy, calm inside for the first time in years. Kaylee's light warmed him and they basked in their own world behind closed doors and within warm covers.

River had found her boundaries. They fluxed, waxing and waning like the moon, but she knew now when other's snuck in to mix their thoughts with her. She was a separate thing, separate from all the world, separate from all Serenity.

All except Jayne.

Her own fault, that.

He'd felt her in the bar. His hands had clenched and unclenched as he watched the fight, the flow of adrenaline through her veins making his fingers tingle, his eyes shine with a kind of surprised admiration. He'd wanted to play.

It had hurt him that she'd turned on him, struck him where his parts were soft.

It was not surprising he had tried to turn on her afterwards.

It made him angry that she was coherent now. It made him angry when she spoke to him in a sure voice and teased him with a girl's charm. He didn't want to like her. Didn't want her to become crew and fill in the spot his friends had left. It was Wash's job to tease them and make them laugh. It was Book's job to offer the needed wisdom and sit with them in silence when words would not do.

She filled the spots she could, and the others grew little by little as well, until the gaps were almost too small to notice. But the little gaps, the empty places, still ate at him. He thought they were the cause of the need inside him to stretch, to grow somehow. The need to somehow do and be more then he had been. Jayne had never felt this itch before, he didn't know how to scratch it away. His frustration burned in hiding, in the restlessness of heavy drinking and hard workouts. It echoed through her in the night and they crossed paths in the darkness of the ship, predators eyeing one another as they passed in the shadows. He did not sleep well, and so she was kept awake.

She could shut most of them out if she tried. She had trained herself. Long hours spent in the cockpit alone, practicing opening herself up to those around her, and gradually closing herself off. It was something the Academy would never have trained her to do. They had wanted her to feel everything, all the time. But the brain was a clever thing, so much of it unused. A simple thing to go from left to right, to reroute away from the wires that were stripped and bare.

She could shut the rest out, but Jayne _always_ remained.

She'd hated him a little for that. She didn't want to hear his thoughts, so base and restless. She didn't want to feel him this way. Phantom hunger, anger, lust. The sting of pain, the electric tingle of excitement. These things weren't part of her, did not come from her. She'd carried too many foreign thoughts and feelings, didn't she deserve to shut them out?

His restlessness, his frustration tore at her, and they began to verbally abuse one another in front of the crew. He liked the release it gave, a new one to add to his other attempts as scratching the mysterious itch. There was a primal satisfaction in his eyes when they clawed at one another.

She began to understand the dance Inara and Mal had been caught in. They might have continued, might have established a pattern leading towards something else, if not for the unpredictable effects of her miscalculation.

Jayne had walked into the kitchen and heaped protein into his bowl before heading to the table to take his seat among the gathered crew.

But he never sat down.

The bowl dropped, and Jayne froze.

River looked up at him, at the horror in his eyes. Mal and his crew looked up at the merc, their eyes taking in the scene, the expression of devastation. Only River understood it.

His thoughts echoed back to her, panic and confusion.

He had heard her voice _inside_ his head.

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	4. Chapter 4

The Miscalculations of River Tam by Lady Cailin

Chapter Title: Gun-Point Apologies

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Disclaimer: Serenity, Firefly and related materials are copyright Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and subsequent companies. This Fan Fiction was not produced, and is not intended to be reproduced, for profit. No infringement of said copyrights is intended by the author.

Summary: River miscalculates. PG

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Gorram crazy girl snuck into his bunk that night.

Jayne left dinner before eatin. Somethin he hadn't hardly ever done in his life. He ignored the angry questions from Mal, and the concern from Kaylee, and the smart-ass comments from the Doc. He just went back to his bunk, closed the hatch, and wrapped himself around his best girl. Waiting.

He didn't know how he knew she'd be climbing her way down that ladder. Fact was, he was trying not to think. He'd been trying to do that an awful lot lately. Too much, if you asked him. He'd never had to stop himself thinking before. Time was he'd had to force himself _to_ think.

Not anymore. Not since Miranda.

Hell, since before that. He'd been restless too long now, even Mal had noticed it. Seemed things didn't settle him inside the way they'd used to. Took more drink, more sweat, and more trim to calm the itch to move these days. He'd never had to quiet his head before, just exhaust his body. He'd felt unsatisfied for months, like somethin was wrong inside, only he didn't know what. He'd known it was a problem, but he weren't a man to examine himself too close, hadn't ever had a need to before.

Now he knew.

Gorram girl'd been in his head. He'd heard her there tonight, so there weren't no denying she had been. She knew he'd heard her too. It had been written all over her wide-eyed face that she knew he'd heard her, which just proved she'd been snooping on him this whole time. Hell, she could have done all manner of things he didn't know about. What did they all really know about that psychic training she'd been given at her government school? Girl could probably make him juggle his guns and dance around like a trained monkey if she wanted to.

Well Jayne Cobb was a man who believed in self preservation, and he weren't nobody's toy. There were just some things it was worth getting' thrown out the airlock for. Protectin his brains happened to be one of 'em. Damned if he weren't going to blow the girls brains out next time she went peekin' in his. So he kept Vera close, and listened to the sound of his own breathing, and tried not to think as he waited for the sounds of the crew settling in for the night to putter off and silence to fill the ship. Didn't take much longer after that for the girl to spirit her way down his ladder and into his bunk.

She didn't look too surprised to have Vera's barrel aimed at the middle of her forehead when she climbed down into his bunk. Didn't even look like she blamed him much. He looked right back at her from across the scope, and he let her know with his eyes that he'd put her down if she breathed wrong.

The air between them was dusty in the dimmed lighting cycle before bed, and he could smell the scent of the oil he had used to clean and polish Vera yesterday. The grip beneath his fingertips was rough, and his aim was steady. The girl sat down slowly, next to the ladder and as far away from him as she could.

And that's when he heard it.

_I'm sorry._

It weren't even hearing really, because he wasn't hearing it with his ears. It was hearing, and feeling, and seeing what was in her head. She really was sorry. He could feel the ache shooting from her heart down to her finger tips when she thought on just how sorry she was. He could feel the pressure behind her eyes and the slight sting of tears as they started to fill her brown eyes. He could feel her throat working not to choke itself on how sorry she was. Could feel it like it was his throat, and he had to take a breath to convince himself it wasn't.

He was a big man, and a tough man, but he was scared as hell when he heard that voice in his head again. If he hadn't been so confused in feeling what she was feeling, he might have been busy feeling that fear, and then he would have shot her.

"What the hell did you do to me?," his voice was rough and uneven, and he kept swallowing against the tightness in her throat, but it wouldn't leave his.

Images came at him quickly then. That night months ago on Peragus that he'd returned to the boat early after being thrown out of a bar. The others had remained in town late, and Serenity had been empty except for him and one drugged-up crazy girl. She sent him memories of the fear and confusion of that night, all jumbled up with nightmares of cold tables and things they had done at the Academy. He tried to close his eyes to shut out the things flashing behind them, but it all kept coming. It all built and built until the moment he heard a memory of his own thoughts, and felt her throw herself at him in absolute desperation. Their minds slammed together, and he knew that had been the moment it had all changed. He knew it because she knew it.

_A miscalculation_, she called it in her head._ An error._

He put down the gun, and cradled his head in his shaking hands.

Jayne liked things simple. Weren't nothing simple about this. Her feelings were all tangled up inside with his own, and he didn't know what to do. Worse then that, neither did she. Gorram genius. Smarter than 99.97 of the population, her head told him. But she didn't know what to do. Didn't know how to fix this.

A single tear trickled down to meet her lips, and he could taste the salt.

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	5. Chapter 5

The Miscalculations of River Tam by Lady Cailin

Chapter Title: One Bullet, Two Brains

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Disclaimer: Serenity, Firefly and related materials are copyright Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy Productions, and subsequent companies. This Fan Fiction was not produced, and is not intended to be reproduced, for profit. No infringement of said copyrights is intended by the author.

Summary: River miscalculates. PG

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There were two ways Jayne Cobb dealt with situations that became what other's might call 'difficult'. He either shot somebody, or he went drinking.

Seein' as how the more he knew about this little _gos se_ situation he was in, the more he felt things comin' out of the girl, Jayne figured out real quick it probably weren't too smart of an idea to shoot her. So that left drinkin, and Jayne had just bought himself a shiny new bottle last time they were planet-side.

He was currently halfway to his ultimate goal of passing out. Somewhere between the drinks he'd been poring down his throat to try and drown the fire in his belly, that had become the plan: Passin' out. Figured he couldn't hear nobody else's thoughts if'n he weren't awake to hear 'em. So here he was in the darkness of the hanger, half fallin' off his weight bench. One arm shielded his eyes from the dim light of the bay, and the other gripped a bottle of something he couldn't quite identify as any _one_ type a' alcohol, but sure had a nice kick to it.

Three drinks ago he'd figured out that the more he drank, the more the doc's crazy sister swayed from her place on top of the boxes of cargo where she watched him. Not that drunk double vision swayin neither, the real kind, where she seemed to have had a few too many herself. Seemed him getting drunk made the crazy drunk too.

Which was damn funny, in a depressin' sort of way.

After he got done laughing at that, and pulled himself back onto the weight bench from the cold floor, his brain wound down and started working again. He could hear and feel her, off in the distance, but the booze was muffling that along with everything else, so he felt free to ignore her while he thought on his situation for a bit.

Seemed the crazy had scrambled his brains-

_Connected wavelengths._

He took another punishing drink, and the girl swayed a bit more, finally laying down on the gray and dirty crate, her eyes still open and pressing into him from across the distance.

So she'd connected their brains by accident, and now he could see into her head the way she saw into everybody else's. Damn confusin' thing to do, that. No wonder she was nuttier than a nut farm at harvest time. He was like to be as well, way things was goin. Jayne cracked open an eye, watching the rhythmic, lazy sway of her leg as she tracked him from the crate through half-opened eyes. Eyes red from the cryin she'd done when she showed him how he'd come to be hearing her thoughts in his head. She didn't look as sorry now, probably 'cause she could hear all the nasty things he'd been thinking about her the last few hours. Hell, maybe he shoulda' shot her while he had the chance.

_One bullet, two brains, the consequences are not foreseeable._

And damn if that weren't the crux of the thing. Couldn't do what came natural and shoot the girl for crossing him, 'cause it might just kill him too. If he did manage to get the jump on her, and if his brains didn't blow up from the stuff coming out of her head while she was dying, then Mal surely would throw him out the airlock. Which meant he'd have to shoot Mal first, and it weren't never a good idea to shoot the only two pilots of a ship you didn't know how to fly. He'd sure learned that lesson the hard way.

Not to mention he sorta liked it here. It was a good place for an old merc like him to hunker down and make a spot for himself. Pay was good, crew was trustworthy. He had free walk of the kitchen, and a bunk to himself. Course, he didn't have his own head to hisself no more, so that kind of dimmed the shine on the whole situation.

_She did not mean-_

He blindly swung an arm at her in annoyance and she cut off the unwanted thought. Girl was better at that then he was. Seemed to know how to make the things she was saying in her head more like a whisper instead of a shout. Didn't mean he didn't still hear and feel 'em. Just meant he could at least tell her to quiet down enough to ignore her. He resolutely took another swig from his bottle and winced at the taste. Wasn't exactly the best 'shine in the verse, but at least it wouldn't make him go blind. He hoped, anyway.

Hell, he wondered what this all meant for him goin' on jobs.

He wondered what this meant for the girl goin' on jobs. Couldn't let her get shot if it meant he died too. Maybe he could convince Mal to keep her locked up in the boat and away from the bullets. Sure, she could take out a passel of Reavers, but you never knew if she was going to switch it on in time to save their asses or not. Course, if he died, so did she, so maybe she'd pull out that training a bit more often now that she'd have to look to his old hide as well as her own.

Which is around the time it occurred to Jayne that he had his very own psychic assassin watchin his back for the rest of his days, if only to keep herself alive. Made the odds on him lasting a few more years seem a bit better. Wasn't an altogether unpleasant idea.

Suddenly feeling benevolent, Jayne rolled himself to his feet in a motion that was much too swift for the rest of his drunken self to keep up with, and stumbled over to sit in front of the crate she was sprawled across. She groaned, and Jayne issued one of his own in agreement with her as his brain swam to try to keep up with this whole 'standing' thing. She glanced down at him as he sat down again, her eyes glassy and her leg still swinging back and forth. Jayne grabbed her hand and shoved the bottle into it, and then thankfully let himself fall back against the crate and close his eyes. She looked about as happy with the whole thing as he did, and he guessed she could use the drink. Besides, he didn't think he could drink any more, but she probably could, so maybe she could finish things off for the both of them.

He opened an eye in time to see her tip back the bottle, and he laughed at the face she made as she swallowed what she'd got from it.

Guess he had himself a partner.

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	6. Chapter 6

He was beginning to rethink not having killed the girl and saved them both the misery.

Things had gone alright at first. He'd had his _pigu _chewed out for getting her drunk that first night, but she'd slipped him some of the medicine Simon had given her for her hangover the next day, so he hadn't held that against her none. Things went on pretty much as normal, except maybe he got a random thought from her now and then during the day. Real early in the morning he could feel just about everything coming off her before she got her mind together and blocked him out. He was usually already in the cargo hold by the time she woke up, and it was real strange feeling like his legs were rubbing against smooth sheets while he did his workouts. Distracting, like.

She went on some runs and showed herself well. She opened up a bit more those times, so he could know what was going on the same time she did. Had helped them keep everybody (especially Mal) from getting shot on the third run they took her out on. Jayne had all but decided it wasn't so bad.

Then they got some passengers.

They were picking up cargo on Minowa, and Mal had run into an old friend who needed a ride to anywhere but there, so they'd taken the man and his merc on. Jayne had been loading up crates, and was just about to tell the crazy she should keep a mind out for them two in case they were up to trouble, when he heard it. Felt it.

Crazy thought the merc had nice eyes, nice hands. Jayne could feel her imagining them running all over herself, only it was like they were running over him too. They weren't girly hands, and Jayne was definitely against feeling anything but girl hands running up and down him like that. He had already dropped the crate, and had almost gone for his gun when he realized what he was doing. Mal might take exception to him killing the man because Jayne had imagined he was touching what he shouldn't have been.

He turned on his heel, grabbed the crazy by the arm, and hauled her down to the passenger dorms.

He lit into her the whole way. Going on in a way he knew was loud in her head, because she winced occasionally when he used it. He cracked into her on everything from putting that stuff in his head, to her taste (the man was a third rate gun, if that) and then right back to how she should keep that to herself.

_Self mastery is the key to the universe._

Hearing that, he knew right off he was humped. She was angry, and it was crackling around the edges of everything he got from her. Course, he was angry too, but his Ma had raised him to fear the wrath of a woman in full storm, and he could tell he'd just stepped in it.

_Phantom neural pathways. They are not his receptors, but his mind processes the information gathered._

Yeah, he knew that. She felt it, he felt it. Hell, it had saved their hides more than once, hadn't it? If she could shut it out so easy then she could just keep them things to herself. No need to show him any more, Jayne didn't want any of that.

_**She**__ already knows the steps. __**He**__ must learn the dance. __**He is stepping on her toes.**_

Well how the hell was he supposed to know how to keep that stuff to himself? Ain't nobody he'd ever had to worry about creepin' in on his thoughts and such before.

_She has been on Serenity over a year now._

And Jayne didn't have much to say to that, because she was right. He hadn't been worried none about keeping his thoughts to himself around the girl. Sure, he'd been worried after Ariel that they'd know about what had happened, but he didn't know if that was the same thing. If that was what he felt when the girl weren't trying to keep herself quiet, she must have been getting some interesting stuff from him the last couple of months. Hell, how many times had he gone whoring since that night?

_Five._

Jayne frowned, crossing his arms over his chest and shifting side to side. Gorram girl made him feel like a dirty old man. How was he supposed to know if she didn't tell him she could still hear all his going-ons? He hadn't had any fancy schooling, and he weren't no gorram reader like her.

_Jayne is not stupid._

_Well hell, he knew he weren't stupid, but that didn't mean he was as smart as her, gorram genius and her top three percent brother-_

Then Mal was there, askin' if they were done staring at each other all silent and creepifying, could Jayne get his pigu back to loading the cargo and could River ready them for takeoff. The merc and Mal's friend were behind him, waiting to be shown into their rooms, across from River and Simon. Jayne grumbled, but left without a word.

He could feel the merc givin' the crazy girl the eyeball, and he knocked the other man back into the wall as he passed.


	7. Chapter 7

Card games. The means by which they had determined control would be achieved for Jayne.

Poker, Gin, Rummy.

Currently they were playing go fish. It required a larger capability for concentration. The correlating cards were in the forefront of each mind. The walls had to be tight to keep the numbers from slipping out. The consistency of the walls were tested as each new card was fished from the pile.

He had a cigar in his mouth, but every time she took one of his matching cards he tasted the week before on his tongue, the week when she had let her mind roam free over his. The week when the young mercenary with the tall tales and the nice hands had been aboard Serenity. She had giggled like a girl and walked with her feet, and spoke with a voice that the strangers understood. She had flirted, like real girls do. She had been torturing Jayne in silence with images she had pulled from his own mind. Images of things she had experienced him doing to whores, although he did not know it. In her mind they were done to her, and she placed the younger man's face over his. Even the crew had noticed Jayne's silence at dinners, the green, disturbed look he got whenever the younger man entered the room. But he had not hid in his room, and he had tried to learn the lesson she was teaching him: To keep his thoughts his own.

He was getting better. He was trying.

They had begun with thoughts, the steady stream of his mind that never stopped flowing into her. Next they would cover emotion, and sensory input. They were harder to keep out. They were based on visceral reactions to an, often unexpected, stimulus.

She could taste his cigar as she sat across the table. She was not tasting it with her own lips, but with his. To Jayne's lips it was smoky and soothing and woven with a thousand memories, good and bad. To her own nose it smelled slightly acidic, harder then the delicate sent of her father's cheroots. She sometimes wondered what it would taste like to her lips, but her experience with the alcohol they had shared confirmed that his sense of taste had become accustomed to things her own was not prepared for.

She had a category all her own within his mind, a title. Partner. He used it in his head when they went on jobs together, when she was the extra gun and not the crazy girl. Always before partners had been someone to watch and use. Someone to betray, when the price was right. No chance of that this time. Stuck with the girl and her moony ways. She dies, he dies. Jayne had to keep her. No more talk of shuttle rides and paydays. He'd feel it now if they poked in her brain. Self preservation demanded a different course of action.

So he decided to like her, make her into a partner he could be proud to have watching his back. Like Mitch and Tim, from his first boat. Like Mal and Zoe, from this one.

The crew would intervene soon. They had noticed things were changing, and it was itching beneath the skin. Kaylee's mind sang with butterflies and questions. She imagined romantic happenings. Love for those she loved, and freedom for Simon, if someone took River to heart.

Inara was watching, seeing the changes in River as her world started to move in predictable patterns, and she separated herself from the things and people around her. No changes in Jayne yet, except that he was nicer to the girl. So she watched, and didn't tell Mal.

Mal didn't know, but suspected nefarious things. Hoped he wouldn't have to become involved. Liked being the Captain Daddy, didn't like getting in the mix if he didn't have to. He was still waiting for Simon and Kaylee's first fight, and wondering how his poor ship would survive an angry butterfly in her engine. Didn't need to know what was going on with his Merc unless it became a problem. Besides, his Albatross could take care of herself.

Simon worried. She still talked in riddles and spoke in the abstract. He recognized the patterns, but not the meaning. He wanted to make her better. Thoughts crept over his mind at times, ways to make her better, possible procedures, medications, cures. He didn't know how often his thoughts resembled theirs. Not the greater good that drove him, but the good of River. He wanted her to transform again, into the girl he had watched walk away to school. Didn't know you couldn't go back. He didn't understand why she played with Jayne. Jayne was stupid.

River found she liked moments like this one. The two of them sitting in the cockpit and playing cards or word games as Serenity drifted along on her set course through the stars. He could pick the meaning from the puzzle of her words, fit the shapes together and make the picture out. It was exhilarating to be understood, to hear the meaning click into place and know there would be no fog and maze to pick her way through.

Jayne was not stupid, just linear in his thinking, disorganized in his motivations. He was a strange balance, like a bear on a ball. Didn't know if it wanted to be a bear or a ballerina. Jayne didn't know if he wanted to be naughty or nice, mean or kind. He followed his instincts, and so he was all things in turn. Naughty if he got the chance, nice when forced, mean when he had to be, and kind when no one was looking. She understood the confusion of it, the paradox. She liked understanding. She liked being understood.

It was comfortable. It was a place hospitable to River, to being herself. All the sides of herself.

Simon would not understand how that could be, and River would not have been able to explain. She would have to take the pills offered her tomorrow, and let Simon stick her with needles to try and make her words clear to his ears. Jayne had learned enough to keep her out, he would be safe against the drugs which would pull at her mind and bare her nerves.

Jayne asked her if she had any threes, and she graced him with a proud smile as she handed one over.


	8. Chapter 8

Jayne Cobb was a lecherous hump of a man. Fact was, he loved trim. Loved getting it, loved thinking about getting it. If he wasn't doing the one, chances were he was doing the other. So the past two weeks had been mighty hard on Jayne, trying to keep from thinking about all the things he was going to do to Bridget when he got dirt side. He'd waved her ahead of time and set up an appointment, and then concentrated real hard on not letting the crazy overhear all the things he had in mind for that two hour stretch.

So when he showed up in the galley the morning they hit dirt wearing his whoring shirt, he was almost proud of himself to see the surprised look on her face. He grinned, rubbing a hand against the smooth skin of his recently shaved face and the crisp edges of his trimmed beard. He'd managed to go through his whole routine without letting the crazy in on what he was planning, and he felt real cunning about it.

The cargo was already loaded up on the mule, and the hull scrubbed down. Mal had said he only needed Zoe on this one, on account of it being an old friend they were dealing with on the dustball moon. So Jayne was free, and itching for his first bit of trim in weeks.

It was about two hours after they landed, and only a half an hour after breakfast that Jayne started to feel off.

Something weren't right. At first he just felt like he'd ate some bad protein, but then his eyes started feeling like they were dragging behind where they should be, unable to focus, and he knew something was real wrong. He had a bad feeling is had something to do with his crazy partner.

He let up on the wall the girl had been helping him build, and got blasted by all the things she was feeling. She wasn't able to hold them in, and in between the random bits of thought and feelings she couldn't control, she'd try to apologize, to warn him off.

It was like being drunk and hung over all at once, and Jayne found himself leaning against a crate, Mal shaking him on the shoulder and asking him if he'd drank Kaylee's engine sludge again. He could feel the pressure of Mal's hand on his shoulder, but he couldn't feel the touch against his skin, and that didn't seem to make a whole lot of sense.

He managed to slur something out about the Doc, a question as to where he was.

The infirmary, trying some fancy new drug on their pilot.

Jayne pushed away from the crate and stumbled towards the hallway leading to the infirmary. The girl was thinking in spirals, and then her vision was spiraling, and so was his. Jayne had a hard time making it down the stairs, sliding down three before he caught himself on the railing. Mal was right behind him, asking him if the doc had drugged him for trying to take over the ship again. Sometimes Jayne wished the man weren't such a smart ass.

He had to get to the girl, had to make this stop.

Instead of explaining, Jayne stumbled his way in, his eyes focusing in on the girl. She was laid out on the side bed, her eyes wide, glazed, and real dark. Her skin looked even paler under the lights, and Jayne could smell that she'd already been sick in the room at some point. She was trying to focus on him, but was having even more trouble then he was. The tube in her arm dripped dizziness and confusion. Simon said its benefits were revealed after the initial effects. Had to be poisoned to be cured. Like chemotherapy, from earth that was.

He didn't even know what the hell chemotherapy was, and he didn't care. He was going to throw up, pass out, and kill the Doc. Maybe not in that order, but those were the three thoughts that swirled and circled in his head, the ones he could tell were still his own anyhow. The girl was a mess of noise, and it was all seeping into him.

She didn't want the drugs, hated needles and hated feeling this way. Something kept swirling in her head about wanting Simon to see her. She wanted to be seen. Then he saw his striped whoring shirt through her eyes and it made his fingers itch to tare it up. He had just grabbed a fist full of his shirt at the arm when he realized what he was doing and let go of the fabric.

Girl had some mighty strange reactions to his shirts.

He stumbled over to her, and before the Doc or Mal could stop him, he pulled the needle from her arm, broke it in half, and ripped the bag off its little hanger. Then he slumped against the wall beside the table she lay on, feeling himself sliding down it as Mal and the Doc raged at him.

She said something about not being able to feel her skin, and he grumbled an agreement as he watched her eyes close. She was glad he was here, glad he had ripped the hooks of the drug out of her so her body could patch itself back up. She was sorry she'd interrupted his whoring. Her words came out jumbled in images of hooks, claws and whores, and Mal and the Doc thought she'd gone cracked again. He just shrugged, closing his eyes briefly to stop the spinning coming out of her head. Couldn't go to a whore if he couldn't feel his skin. Had to watch out for his partner first anyhow.

Her hand drifted down to rest on the arm he had leaned against her bedside, and she melted into oblivion.

He managed to focus on the Doc long enough to tell him not to pump any more gorram drugs into her crazy pigu. Then he told Mal to cancel his appointment with Bridget. Weren't a good idea to stand up a woman like her, but it was a worse idea to do it without calling to let her know you were canceling.

The look on their faces told him he was humped. No way they was gonna avoid telling the crew after this one, he thought.

Hell, least Buddha coulda done was let him get sexed one last time before he died.

It was his last thought before he followed River into darkness


	9. Chapter 9

All Jayne could taste was dirt. Dirt from his mouth, dirt coming at him from the crazy's mouth. Only her's was mixed with the canned peaches she'd snitched for breakfast. The planet they'd landed on had taken terraforming alright, but didn't have much of anything growin' on it to keep the dust down in a dry-ass season like this one. Jayne had been covered in the crud by the time he'd loaded the cargo into the mule for the drop. By the time they got to the drop, even his crazy pi-gu partner was painted in the stuff.

Mal looked back at them again as the contacts showed up, giving Jayne the same look he'd been giving him since he'd woke up in the infirmary. The "I'm watching you" look. Damn creepifyin' look.

When Jayne had finally come to that day the crazy girl had been in a tizzy tryin' to explain how she'd scrambled his brains. The Doc was ignoring her, and actually seemed to be trying to convince Mal not to throw Jayne out the airlock. Seemed Mal thought his merc had been lifting from the med supplies, and the Doc had been explaining to Mal that he didn't have a drop of anything in him.

Seemed the Doc was concerned Jayne might have a brain tumor.

Which had made Jayne laugh real hard, but Crazy hadn't found it as funny, insisting that she was _not an abnormal tissue growth. This is not funny!_ Dang if the crazy genius weren't right, because the first thing Mal had asked Jayne when they realized he was awake and laughing at them was if Jayne was sexing the crazy girl.

After that, Doc had stopped fighting with Mal about the airlock.

_Hell no,_ he'd told 'em._ Hadn't touched the girl but to keep her skinny butt from getting shot._ Something in the way he'd said it must have sounded out true, because Mal relaxed a bit and stopped calling him Cobb. Mal hadn't called him Cobb since Jayne had got shot up hauling Zoe out of a fight on their fifth run together.

Then Mal demanded, as captain, to know what was going on in his own boat.

The whole crew was there by the time Jayne and the crazy finished explaining the situation. Mostly him explaining, and her just making everybody confused so's he had to explain more, and in smaller words than she was usin'. The drug had knocked her brains loose pretty bad, she'd been having trouble getting her thoughts organized before they came flying out of her pink little mouth. Kaylee had wandered in with Inara to check on 'em during the beginning of the story, and Zoe had come down shortly after when she realized where the rest of them were.

There had been a good half hour there where he and the crazy had been forced to prove what was going on to the Doc. Kaylee had suggested all sorts a' ways to prove one of 'em knew what the other knew. It was right around the time Kaylee had started holding up fingers to River and making a blindfolded Jayne tell them how many there were that Mal had called a halt, satisfied that whatever Jayne was, he wasn't lying.

The Doc had ended up with Inara and Kaylee comforting him, which Jayne thought was just a little bit unfair, since _he_ was the one with a crazy person in his brain, and the Doc was just complaining about feeling crazy again. Didn't see nobody hanging on his arm just 'cause he'd had a bit of a shock, did ya?

Crazy had patted his hand consolingly and gone on to tell the Captain that Jayne had not taken advantage of the situation. She then kindly informed the Doc that she wasn't takin' no more of his experimental meds, and that started a whole knew fight. Only this time, everyone agreed it was for the best. Fact was, Mal just couldn't risk having Jayne put out of commission, or even just having his reflexes slowed down a bit because of the Doc doping up his sister. Zoe had agreed with Mal, and Inara and Kaylee had pointed out how much better River had been recently.

Then the crazy girl had spewed out that they had been training, and used lots of fancy words and hand gestures to explain that they'd been playing card games so he could learn to block her out.

Which just lead to a whole load of questions, because it made everybody realize just how much they was in each other's heads. Kaylee was just about the most curious person Jayne had ever met, and she came up with some weird-ass questions. Did he know how River felt about things? Did he know what the fancy foods River used to eat tasted like? Did River mind Kaylee and Simon being together? Did he feel it when River hurt herself? Did he get cramps when River got her women's time?

She'd gotten to the last one about a week ago, and Jayne had just finally put his foot down and told her to mind her own gorram business. He might have been a bit loud about it though, because he was pretty sure that by dinner everybody on board knew what question had made him send Kaylee running. If he ever had to hear about "the miracle of life", and "becoming a woman" again, he just might shoot somebody he liked.

Still, hadn't changed things that much. People tended to whisper more now when they was having a private conversation with either of them. Mal seemed to be afraid River might hear when they were planning their bad guy plans, so he kept his voice real low anymore when he filled Jayne in. Which Jayne thought was just plain dumb, because the girl was a gorram reader, and she didn't need to bust through the walls in his mind when she could root around in Mal's all she liked.

Right now Mal was using his captainy fast talk to try and make sure their buyers paid the full price, and it didn't look promising. The bald little man making the deal was looking too cocky with five mercs backing him up.

Nope, things weren't so bad. Heck, if he was lucky, he'd get in some good fighting today, and some better trim when they hit the spaceport in two days.

Jayne shifted in his place, straining his breath with his teeth to try and keep a load of dust from flying into his mouth or up his nose. The crazy was wearing his face mask. He'd lost it to her just before they landed on a game of blackjack. Didn't know if it erked him more that she'd taken it right before they landed on the ass end of this dust bowl, or how easy she'd got inside his head to see the cards.

_Didn't peak. Only calculated the odds of each card based on those already played._

Hell, he'd forgot to keep that to himself. They always opened up a bit more during a job, part of watching each other's backs, made it harder to keep one or two particular thoughts to himself. But he guessed it made him feel better she hadn't read his cards out of his head from the game.

Still, counting cards was cheating.

_Didn't cheat. Used my brain. You could do it too._

_Yeah, well maybe he'd get her to show him how sometime-_

_The dark haired merc to the buyer's right shifted his weight subtly to the left, the muscles in his right arm tensing around the trigger of his gun._

_Jayne felt the barely-there weight of his partner hit his left side, and allowed himself to be tumbled by it when her mind shouted danger at him. He raised his weapon as he fell, his other arm curling around her waist as bullets skimmed the air above them. His weight cushioned her as they hit the ground hard._

_Jayne grinned up at his partner like he'd just walked in to find it was Christmas, and then rolled her under him as he kept firing._

_Nope, things weren't that bad at all._


End file.
